


Acts of Tracy Jordan

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Series: Tango Series [5]
Category: 30 Rock
Genre: Crack, Drama, F/M, Het, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jokes, Romantic Comedy, Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:52:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5497706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tracy and Jenna find out about the boss-middle management liaison. It takes a hostage situation, but they get over it. Eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acts of Tracy Jordan

 

It was rare that Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy were in the same room at the same time and not fighting with each other about how to handle Tracy’s latest problem. In fact, it was rare they both walked into his dressing room not yelling.

Ergo, something very strange was going on. He hoped it wasn’t a zombie invasion. “What up, Jackie D, Liz Lemon?” Tracy asked.

“Sit down, Tray,” Jack said. “We need to tell you something.”

They had found out about the love dungeon. No, they knew about the time he used Kenneth as a paintball target, but had accidentally brought a real gun instead of a paintball gun. Only the safety and Dot-Com’s quick thinking had prevented that from being a tragedy.

“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it, and you can’t prove it, unless you can,” Tracy said.

“We’re not here to yell at you, Tracy,” Liz Lemon said. She looked different. Had she cut her hair? Maybe lost some weight?

No, she was smiling. It made her look like an entirely different person.

“Did we win an Emmy, Liz Lemon?” Tracy asked. “Are we replacing Jenna with Halle Berry?”

“No, Tracy, we’re not replacing Jenna,” Liz Lemon said. She sounded a little bit pissed, but Tracy didn’t understand why, because Jenna was straight up crazy and Halle Berry was hot. “Jack?”

Donaghy was smiling, too. That was definitely not right, because things that made Donaghy smile were not things that made Liz Lemon smile. Usually just the opposite.

“Tracy, sometimes a man and a lady have special feelings for each other,” Jack began. “And people think that means they love their starring actor less. But that’s just not true. Just because the man and the lady have been having sex on every surface in the man’s office, missing conference calls, and eating grapes off the lady’s…”

“Jack,” Liz Lemon said. “We don’t need to explain those kinds of details to Tracy. Or anyone.”

Tracy looked at Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy suspiciously. “So there’s a man and a lady who have special feelings for each other?” he asked.

“Yes, Tracy,” Liz Lemon said. “And when Jack says man and lady, he means that Jack and I have been…”

Oh, snap! Donaghy was getting jiggy with Liz Lemon. But if that was true, how were they going to have time for Tracy’s problems? They would hear his problems, go off to have a meeting, and then Jackie D would be all, “Take off your clothes, Liz Lemon, so we can have bootylicious sex” and Liz Lemon would be like, “Ew, you’re weird. Okay,” and then they’d start full-on kissing and getting dirty. And then after Jack had taken Liz to the party in his pants, they’d be all, “Oh, that sex was so amazing…what problem with Tracy Jordan?” and what would he do then?

“You can’t have non-stop bootylicious sex!” Tracy exclaimed. “How will you have time for me?”

“You’re our star, Tracy,” Liz Lemon said, patting his hand. “We always have time for you.”

“But what if my man Jackie D is going down to lady town, and I call you because I’m trying to escape from ninja assassins and need your help. What are you going to do then, Liz Lemon?”

Liz Lemon stared at him, blinking over and over. “Jack, field that question, would’ya?” she managed to say. It was clear she’d never thought about the possibility that Tracy would be hunted by ninja assassins.

“First, I need to know more about your ninja assassin problem before I can make an accurate response, Tracy,” Jack said. “Second, the answer is, if your life were in danger, Lemon and I would immediately abandon our carnal pastimes to save you. Same if you’re about to be arrested. However, if you were to call to get directions to Brooklyn, someone else might be a better option. After all, what would you do if you were pleasuring Angie and someone called you about a role or to ask for coffee?”

That was true. If Angie got interrupted on her way to satisfaction, Tracy was in trouble with a capital T and that rhymed with B and that stood for booty. But Angie wasn’t the person Tracy would call in case of ninja or zombie attack. Plus, if Donaghy and Liz Lemon were spending all that time together, they might figure out all the times he played them against each other so he could do nothing.

“I just don’t think it’s ethical, the boss and the boss-lady, having them a fornication-a-thon,” Tracy said, folding his arms.

“Tracy, you go to strip clubs…and there was the week your wife decided to live on-set and told me I had to prevent your fornication-a-thons…and _no,_ Tracy,” Liz Lemon said suddenly, standing up. “You don’t get to tell me what’s ethical and what’s not. And I swear before God and…and…you don’t get to tell me I don’t get to have sex with Jack. Period.”

Donaghy looked really, really happy about that. Made Tracy wonder what was going on there. After all, Jackie D was a player. He always had the ladies all over him. And everyone liked Liz Lemon, but Tray could see it was all-too-likely that she would get hurt by Donaghy’s playboy ways.

“I just don’t want to see nobody hurt here,” Tracy said. Especially him. “And didn’t you go out on a date with that smokin’ hot Tahini at the Museum of Television and Radio just the other day? And what about the time you got with Shakira?”

Liz Lemon did not look happy. “You went to the MTR without me?” she asked Jack. “With Tahini? I would have given my left boob to go to that.”

“Why didn’t you say anything, then?” Jack asked. “I would have gotten you a ticket.”

“But would you have taken me on a date? Oh, no, you wouldn’t have,” Liz Lemon snapped. “I would have been pushed to the hors d’oeuvre table to seethe with jealousy while you chatted up the bimbo.”

“That was during our ‘we absolutely cannot go public’ phase. And if you recall, that was the night I escaped and…” and then Liz Lemon blushed. “Yes. That night. I don’t think you need to seethe with jealousy.”

It was clear from the way Liz Lemon giggled that some particularly hot sex had happened on that night, and so she looked away and said, “Okay, but for the record, I would like to go on dates that involve Classic Women of Comedy. Or Classic Women of anything, except maybe professional wrestling.”

Tracy realized that they had already stopped paying attention to him to fuss about their relationships. His worst nightmares were coming true!

“You know what? I just cannot sanction this fornication,” Tracy said. “And if you two don’t break up and promise never even to think of going at it like horny teenagers, I’m going to run away and never come back.”

“Tracy, you know that’s unreasonable,” Jack said. “And remember the last time you ran away and ended up imprisoned by Kenneth’s insane redneck cousin? Is that what you want?”

No, that was not what Tracy wanted, but that was what they were making him do. So he got up and said, “I respect your opinion, Donaghy. But now I need to go to the bathroom and handle my trauma in peace. So please excuse me.”

It took Donaghy and Lemon just long enough to realize he was playing them as Tracy sprinted down the hall, shouting, “You’re making me do this!” and searching for places to hide. What else could he do in this world turned upside down?

* * *

Liz was looking totally haggard when she hurried up to Jenna, like she was worrying about her work and not sleeping. Jenna had told her and told her to do the breathing exercises and hire male escorts, but did Liz listen? Or even not mock? Of course not, and that’s why Liz looked like she spent her nights having hot, hot sex when she totally wasn’t.

“Jenna, have you seen Tracy?” Liz asked.

“No,” Jenna said. “Why? Did a subpoena show up? Or a surprise illegitimate child? Oh, tell me it’s a problem that leads to Tracy going to jail!”

Liz rolled her eyes. “No. Jack and I had to give him some, um, news. He didn’t take it well, so I think he’s about to do something particularly Tracy-like to get back at us,” she said.

Jenna perked up. “What? Did he get fired?” she asked. “Fired is even better than jail, as long as it means he’s not on the show any more.”

“No, nothing like that,” Liz said, shaking her head impatiently. “It was just news that made him feel like he might not be getting nearly enough attention any more, and you know Tray. Mommy and Daddy can’t love the new baby, too! I’m going to go pout, blah blah explosioncakes.”

Now there was a baby involved. Except Jenna didn’t see any baby, and who was the mommy? Nothing Liz was saying made any sense. Unless…

“New baby? Did you hire Lindsey Lohan or something?” asked Jenna. “Oh, my god, did you hire Lindsey Lohan?”

“No, not that, either,” Liz said, shifting. “Look, Jenna, I really need to go find him.”

“Fine. Of course Tracy gets the attention and not your friend. You can tell Tracy whatever secret you and Donaghy have, but not neurotic, second-rate Jenna,” Jenna said, narrowing her eyes. She hoped it looked like she was really mad, instead of just really curious about Liz’s secret baby.

Liz sighed. “Okay, do you promise not to tell the writers or Josh?” she asked.

Ooh, this was juicy if Liz didn’t want the writers to know. And maybe she did mean a literal baby after all. Maybe Jack had agreed to be the baby-daddy so that Liz and a yet-to-be-named life partner could live happily ever after!

“Of course,” Jenna said. “I’ll respect your right to tell everyone else about your secret. Is it that you’re going to have a baby and Donaghy’s going to be the sperm donor?”

“Uhhh,” Liz said. “Not quite that. But I am, um, sleeping with Jack.”

Jenna seriously could not be more surprised than if Liz had actually come out. In fact, she had practiced the “of course I’m still your friend, and I don’t mind that you’ve been ogling my breasts for years, but I won’t go gay for you, though maybe we can make out some time” speech in case of Liz’s latent lesbianism for a long time.

“Jack Donaghy?” Jenna asked. “I thought you think he’s the devil in wingtip shoes. I thought you thought it was shallow to date rich guys like Jack who think hot women and smart women live in two different towns.”

Liz grimaced. “Look, Jenna, it just kind of happened. One day, he taught me how to tango, and then we were kind of doing the naked tango, and then it happened again and then we thought it was probably a better idea to tell everyone than to get caught on a desk or something.”

“Are you serious about him?” Jenna asked. This was all so super-ridiculous. Her best friend was having a hot affair with her boss, and wasn’t spilling any details. And Liz was always the one who was like, no no, you had to care about someone’s soul, blah blah blah.

“Maybe?” Liz said, grimacing. “I mean, what am I supposed to say, Jenna? I need to find Tracy before he does something really stupid, okay? We can discuss why Liz is with Jack after I prevent Tray-pocalypse.”

Oh, it was so serious. Jenna knew Liz. Liz didn’t talk about important things unless she was forced to. Also, Liz would never even say maybe about a guy — and especially not a guy like Jack — unless she meant _really serious and really terrified._

“You do that,” Jenna said. “But if you think you’re getting out of girl time, you are sadly mistaken. I’ll enlist the writers.”

Liz rolled her eyes and waved a hand at Jenna. “Fine, Jenna. If you see Tracy, call me, okay?”

Of course. Tracy, Tracy, Tracy. Let’s pretend this was about Tracy being crazy, and not about Liz’s secret shame that she was in love with Jack Donaghy. Jack, who would totally end up leaving her for like, Paris Hilton.

Jenna headed for the set to go blab, totally cranky, when someone hissed, “Jenna! Jenna, get over here!”

“Tracy?” Jenna asked.

“I’m hiding!” Tracy said. “Do you want to know a secret?”

“Is it about Liz having disgustingly hot sex with Donaghy?” Jenna asked. “Because yes, I do.”

Tracy nodded. “I think we should go hide in Jack Donaghy’s office, because when they can’t find me, they’ll go there to talk about me, and then it will be like, ‘Oh, Liz Lemon, this lack of Tracy makes me want to make out with you on this desk!'”

“And Liz will be like, ‘Ew, you’re disgusting, totally take off your pants,'” Jenna agreed, getting excited. “I bet they’re disgusting. I mean, Jack and Liz? What do they have in common, besides stress-eating all the time, being bossy workaholics, and totally alienating people by being know-it-alls?”

“It’s a mystery, Maroney,” Tracy said solemnly. “Are you down with helping me try to find out?”

“Of course!” Jenna said. “But how will we get past Jonathan at the desk?”

“Leave that to me,” said Tracy. “Yo, do you get sick to your stomach thinking about Jack Donaghy licking Liz Lemon’s face?”

Jenna thought about it. “Do you think he would?” she asked. “Oh, now I want to know all the details! Come on, let’s go stake out Jack’s office.”

“You my girl, Mulroney!” Tracy said, giving Jenna a high-five.

“Maroney. It’s Ma-roney. Like Rice-a-roni, but without the rice and with an M,” Jenna said, doing her best ‘fuck off’ smile. The things she put up with in the name of good gossip!

* * *

The afternoon had not gone well. Not long after Tracy had run off, Jenna had disappeared, too. Calls to their respective phones had not been answered, and nobody had any idea where they’d gone.

“Has anyone seen either of them?” Liz asked Jack wearily, face streaked with dirt, and a large canister of popcorn sitting on the floor. “Because apparently, the thought of us having sex is enough to send our stars heading for the hills. I knew this was a bad idea.”

“Lemon,” Jack said. “Liz, calm down. If Jenna and Tracy are both missing, odds are they’ve run into each other and are exchanging gossip and plotting elaborate schemes to get Mommy and Daddy’s attention off each other and onto them.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Liz said, throwing herself into a chair. “Why is this so hard? Why does no one want me to have a life…well, except you. You’re more into me having a life than I am.”

“It’s the perennial trap of the female manager,” Jack said. “They get their little kicks from surrogate motherhood, and it fosters dependency, and suddenly nobody can function without their mommy. I used to believe that women did it as a way to get around their barren wombs, but you’ve taught me better, Lemon.”

“Thanks, I think,” Liz said, eyerolling. “That doesn’t solve the problem of Jenna and Tracy flipping out on us. I mean, dag! I don’t feel like spending all my time convincing everyone that Liz having sex will not drain away her precious brain cells.”

Jack chuckled. “Especially when they seem unaware that you get inspired after sex,” he said. “Hasn’t everyone been happy with the last three episodes of TGS?”

“More like thrilled. Entertainment Weekly actually made us the Must-Watch of the Week,” Liz said. “Oh, do we have budget money for Christopher Walken for sweeps? I want an Inappropriate Method-Off. Also, I think it’d be cool to have Chris Walken dance. You know, as kind of a…thing.”

“A thing?” Jack asked, smirking.

“A tribute to the creation of the character,” Liz said, grinning. Jack laughed, which was a good sign. “They can’t take that away from me.”

“Though they will try,” Jack said. “Wine?”

“Sure, what the hell,” Liz replied. “Hey, where’s Jonathan?”

Jack looked around. “Suspiciously absent. I’m starting to wonder if Tracy wasn’t on to something with his theories about ninja assassins,” he said.

“That’s stupid,” Liz said. “Hopefully, anyway. Maybe Jonathan joined the anti-Liz-and-Jack crusade.”

Jack shrugged. “Jonathan already knew about us,” he said. “He didn’t feel the need to have a temper tantrum. So it’s unlikely he’s joined the strike.”

Liz shrugged. Jonathan’s whereabouts only interested her insofar as Jonathan was good about getting Jack food, which meant that he was good at getting Liz food, and wow, Jenna and Tracy’s stupid temper tantrum was getting on Liz’s last nerve. Seriously, she had enough doubts about the viability of a Jack-and-Liz thing. She seriously hadn’t expected Jenna to throw a fit like this. More like, she’d expected Jenna would interrogate her to next week and back about Jack’s intentions, if Liz intended to feign a pregnancy scare to keep him, what Jack was like in bed, if Jack’s various girlfriends, lovers, and one-night stands were mad at Liz…

“Oh, hey, what if Bianca or your mom found out? I bet they could take Jonathan,” Liz said.

Jack shook his head. “Jonathan has a panic button for those two,” he said, pointing at a half-open door that lead to Jack’s closet. “We’ve done drills. I’m sure he’s around somewhere.”

“Geez,” Liz said, trying to play along. “That’s…that’s something.”

She yanked open the door, hoping to see Jenna and Tracy sitting there. Instead, there was Jonathan, tied up and gagged.

“Ew, did they use a sock?” Liz asked. “That’s gross.”

“Poor kid,” Jack said, looking down at Jonathan and shaking his head. “By gum, those are their cell phones. Jonathan, blink if you can hear me. Did Jenna Maroney mastermind this operation?”

Liz glowered at Jack. “First of all, Jenna couldn’t mastermind a lap dance,” she said, leaning down and untying Jonathan. “Second of all, Jenna doesn’t tie people up. This is clearly a Tracy Jordan special.”

She pulled the sock out of Jonathan’s mouth. “Sorry to disappoint you, but this was ALL Jenna’s idea,” Jonathan said pissily. “She said she learned it from David.”

Liz seriously thought of jamming the gag back into Jonathan’s mouth, but that wasn’t going to solve anything. Neither was kicking him in the ribs. “Where are they?” she asked.

“They were waiting in here with me for a while, hoping that you two would come back, but then they got bored after about twenty minutes,” Jonathan said. “I think they went to go see _Enchanted._ They told me to hold down the fort and call them if you showed up.”

“Thank you, Jonathan,” Jack said. “Do you have an opinion on the imbroglio that caused Jenna and Tracy’s reaction?”

“You should buy your girlfriend clothes that aren’t from Old Navy so she looks less like an aging hipster hobo,” Jonathan said with a sneer. “Otherwise, whatever. I tried to tell them that you two aren’t like, nearly as bad as Devin from West Coast. Heck, I even got Kenneth in here at first to explain the people who were much, much worse about using their offices to hook up, but they wouldn’t listen. Tracy seems obsessed with you licking Lemon’s face.”

Liz’s nose crinkled. “Apparently, that’s what he told Pete to do that one time, too,” she said. “I don’t even think that’s sexy. I think it’s kind of degrading.”

“Kenneth knows?” Jack said in a tone of mildly suppressed panic. “You blithering idiot, you let Kenneth in on this?”

Oh, snap. Kenneth knew. So much for Liz’s gradual roll-out of the Liz-and-Jack are ‘special’ friends announcement. She was surprised Pete hadn’t called her during the search for Tray and Jenna to lecture.

Tracy’s phone started buzzing. At least, Liz assumed the phone playing “Drop It Like It’s Hot” was Tracy’s. She grabbed it off the floor and answered, “Hello?”

“Tracy Jordan, you get out of that movie theater right now!” Angie Jordan’s voice shrieked into Liz’s ear. “I don’t care what working conditions you’re under at that show, you get your ass back to the set and you do whatever Jack Donaghy and Liz Lemon tell you to do RIGHT NOW!”

“Angie?” Liz said. “Um, this is Liz. Tracy left his phone here. Is there something going on?”

“You mean you don’t know what Tracy and that white bitch are doing at that Midtown theater right now?” Angie asked. She sounded pissed, but also…maybe…like she was laughing.

“Oh, God,” Liz said.

“That’s right, oh God. My husband is conducting his very own hostage situation,” Angie said. “I thought that was why Jack Donaghy paid you, to keep Tracy out of the news like this. What the hell are you doing?”

“Hey, we’ve been trying to find Tracy all day,” Liz said. “And this is Jack’s fault, too. Tracy is upset because Jack and I…you know what? Forget it. What movie theater is currently about to get a huge cash settlement from NBC?”

Angie, not bothering to hide the part where she was laughing at Liz, told her. And added, “I hope you and your new man-candy don’t get lost on the way to the theater,” before ending the call.

Yep, everyone knew. And now there was even a hostage situation to commemorate the event.

“Well?” Jack asked.

“Hostage situation at the movies,” Liz said.

“Oh, Lord,” Jack muttered, rolling his eyes.

“I know. I know,” Liz said. “I’m on it. Maybe it will go away if I smile really pretty and pay them off.”

“You can’t just be on it,” Jack said. “At this point, any attempts to do this quietly are doomed to failure. I’d be surprised if there’s not press at the front of the building already. Jonathan, call a car and the lawyers. Elizabeth and I will go and retrieve our soon-to-be-arrested employees, and get caught discreetly making out along the way. Tell the Post it’s all right to title the article ‘Ugly Lizzy’ as long as it keeps Tracy and Jenna out of it.”

“Ugly Lizzy?” Liz said. “Damn it, Jack.”

“Do you see a better way out of this?” Jack asked pragmatically. “The only thing that sells more than C-list celebrity crime is rich people having sex.”

Liz wrinkled her nose at Jack. “Yeah, I get THAT,” she said. “But do I always have to be the ugly one? It’s not like America Ferrara is actually ugly or fat, come to that.”

“I am sure a hundred humorless feminists will agree with you in the letters the day after tomorrow,” Jack said magnanimously. “However, we’re going for the lowest common denominator, where hot women and smart women live on two different continents. Do you have a button-down blouse, by the way? You should look respectably disheveled, not Britney Spears nasty.”

“The glasses can be askew. Plus, I have a sweater that can be misbuttoned,” Liz said, rolling her eyes. “Also, I don’t think this is going to work.”

“Your objections are noted and overruled,” Jack said. “Get in the car, Elizabeth. You are soon to learn the celebrity of being a Donaghy woman.”

Liz hoped Jack could sense the face she was making behind his back as she ‘dutifully’ followed him. Because she was making it as hard as she could.

* * *

There were a lot of photographers. Liz wasn’t used to that many photographers. “This is a dumb plan,” she told Jack for the hundredth time. “I’m a bad distraction.”

“You are an excellent distraction,” Jack said, kissing Liz on the back of the neck. “Relax, Elizabeth. I’m sure that thousands of bloggers will defend your reputation. Except for Perez Hilton. He hates me, you know, so he’ll probably savage you like a pit bull.”

Liz hadn’t known that, but didn’t care. “So we start making out and like, the driver lowers the windows like we did it accidentally in a fit of horny passion?” she asked. “And then we stop, get out of the car, hold hands, and you kiss me a couple of times before we go make nice with NYPD over our errant stars?”

“That is the plan I’ve explained _five times,_ ” Jack said.

“I know,” Liz said, sighing. “I just don’t think anyone’s going to get that excited about us making out.”

Jack stroked Liz’s hair. “O ye of little faith,” he said, leaning forward. “I know all about the art of the spectacle.”

Yeah, because the fireworks had gone so well without her to help. Liz rolled her eyes, half-closed them, and fake puckered up.

“Yes, that looks believable,” Jack said, his mouth next to her ear. “If you were a particularly bad drag queen, that is.”

“This is really embarrassing,” Liz said. “I mean, what do you want me to do, lick your face?”

“No, I find that as distasteful as you do,” Jack said, brushing his lips against her earlobe. “But honestly, this day has been a bruise to my ego, Elizabeth. You’ve spent most of it calling our relationship a bad idea with a side of it being gross and wrong.”

Liz grimaced. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m a big nerd. And it’s easier when we’re alone.”

“We’re alone now. The driver can’t hear us,” Jack pointed out sensibly. “For someone who gets very sensitive about being considered a less-than-perfect match for me, you have no problem characterizing me as the evil suit that no smart woman would want to have.”

“You’re not evil,” Liz mumbled. “And I do like you.”

“I don’t believe you,” Jack said, pulling back.

“Of course you do,” Liz said.

“No, I think that your sense of shame at being seen with the ‘wrong’ man for your liberal credentials outweighs whatever gratifying physical interest you have in me, Lemon,” Jack said cruelly. “You don’t even find me attractive when another person is in the room.”

“I do, too!” Liz said. “Just because I’m not all, do me here on the desk in front of Jonathan…”

“I’m so sure,” Jack said in his Liz-mocking voice. Which caused Liz to grab him by the shirt front and shut him up with a long kiss that she actually initiated.

God, he was hot when she was pissed off. Also, he had many parts she could grab, pull on, and torment in some way, all of which sort of developed into Jack with his hands under her shirt, trying to get rid of her bra while Liz bit Jack’s lower lip and pulled his hair.

“This is still all an attempt to stave off your shame about the relationship,” Jack said, successfully undoing her bra.

“We knew I had emotional problems,” Liz said, grinding against Jack’s lap. “That’s why we hang out with the talent we do, because we’re freaks.”

“If you don’t stop doing that, I’m going to get freaky with you in front of dozens of photographers,” Jack said, guiding her hands back toward his hair.

“I thought that’s what you wanted. Proof that _I can’t get enough,_ ” Liz said, laughing as a flashbulb went off in her face. “Oh, crap.”

They were there. And there were cameras jammed into the limo. And had Jack just reverse-psyched her into not-really-faking it? Because now she had to fasten her bra, awkwardly look away, find her shoes, and get out of the car as the cameras snapped picture after picture of her every move.

Okay, it was kind of cool that people did seem to care, especially when Jack grabbed her hand and she leaned over and smoothed his tie and someone shouted, “Mr. Donaghy! Mr. Donaghy!”

“I feel like I need the big sunglasses,” Liz whispered.

“Not quite yet, Lemon,” Jack said, whipping out his phone. “No comment. No comment.”

One reporter yelled, “Hey, Donaghy, who’s your new girlfriend?”

“Elizabeth Lemon, producer and head writer for TGS, and I have no comment,” Jack replied.

The cops were all waiting for them. There were lawyers, and bystanders, and really, Liz was not used to getting mobbed by people for holding hands in public. Though probably some of them cared more about the hostage situation. Especially the ones who were related to the hostages.

“Mr. Donaghy. Ms. Lemon,” the lead cop said. “Thanks for coming.”

“Not a problem, officer,” Jack said smoothly. “What can we do to make this easier for the fine men and women of the New York Police and Fire Departments?”

* * *

“Do you believe this?” Jenna asked Tracy the next day, holding up the picture in the Post. “ _NBC’s Ugly Betty._ I mean, what? We hold a movie theater hostage and all anyone cares about is Liz and Jack.”

Tracy nodded. “This is just wrong,” he said. “I like that picture of them, though.”

“I know, it’s really chic,” Jenna said. “Hey, Pete, did you see the picture?”

Pete stalked up to Jenna and Tracy. “You mean the one where Liz took a bullet for you two schmucks?” he asked, sounding a little angry. “Yeah, I saw it. And let me tell you two something. You give Liz _any_ more crap about her personal life, and I will make sure you’re both playing second banana to Josh for a month.”

“Whoa, whoa, Pete,” Tracy said. “Why you mad, son?”

“Because Liz is my friend. Liz is everyone’s friend,” Pete said. “Liz isn’t like you two fame-whores. I don’t think she wanted to get caught making out in a limo with Jack. I think she did it to keep you two from being branded terrorists after you wasted a whole day of production hiding like toddlers and taking people hostage at a screening of _Enchanted._ ”

That did make a lot more sense than Liz having an elaborate scheme to out-fame Jenna and Tracy. But it had the problem of making Jenna feel bad. Especially because Liz could be really sensitive about her looks sometimes, and she had just gotten called Ugly Betty by the press…

“Now I feel awful,” Jenna said forlornly.

“Good,” Pete said. “Hold on to that the next time you feel like whining at Liz for no reason.”

He walked away, kind of muttering to himself, and Jenna sighed heavily.

“Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinking, Rice-a-Roni?” Tracy asked.

“We have to make it up to Liz,” Jenna said.

“No, I was thinking we should go beat the crap out of Josh so we can’t play second banana to him, but I like your plan too, Jenna McRomney,” Tracy said. “There’s less violence involved.”

They were kind of bonding over this whole upside down Jack and Liz thing. Jenna thought it was almost cute, the way Tracy couldn’t remember her last name and made up nicknames, like a special child.

Besides, she was proving to be a good influence on him, and that counted for something! Didn’t it?

 


End file.
